RadioShack: Life just got SEXIER!

My company has started to stock DVDs now. Apparently, we're trying to please everyone, but I'm thinking we're becoming a much more expensive dollar store these days...

(Eurgh. Lord, it's hot. I've currently got the fan a foot away from me at top speed, running on it's highest setting. Next time I get an apartment, I'm going for one with air conditioning. People say they get hot, but I get HOT! Granted, I've got overactive sweat glands and am the missing link between human and grizzly bear, so I tend to be hotter than most lowly mortals. In any case, back to the story...)

I was doing stock today, and, as such,was the first person to set eyes on our stock of DVDs.

First out of the box was Original Sin, an erotic thriller featuring Antonio Banderas and Angelina Jolie. And it wasn't any version, it was the UNRATED version.

So, pretty much, the cover screams "Hey! Wanna see buck nekkid Jolie? Buy me! You thought the theatrical version was full of Angelina's breasts? Think again, putz! Because THIS version is full frontal, all the way, baby!"

While I didn't open up the jewel case, I wouldn't be surprised to see explicit Jolie anatomy on the DVD itself. Yipes.

Then, out of the box came Showgirls.

Sigh. RadioShack's got all your softcore needs, for only $14.99!

PLEASE let me get a new job soon...

* * *

I experienced something that hasn't struck me for a while, but comes and goes quite often in my case.

I'm gonna be serious during this next paragraph. No joke:

I get premonitions. I often dream up entire scenrios that happen later on, be it a few days, weeks, or even years. I'm not sure if it's a gift bestowed upon me, or just my mind playing tricks on me, but I see portions of my future life while I'm asleep.

It doesn't happen to me often, but it's occurred enough thimes to be more than simple deja vu.

The first time I remember it happening to me was Grade 9, during an assembly, where someone asked me what time it was in a darkened theatre. So I pushed my watch's Indiglo button, and realized I had dreamed this scenario two years earlier.

It happened again today, when I was counting stock.

I was sitting on a stool in the back room, facing the door, Jeff at his desk to my left. I needed to call Marauder to arrange lunch.

"Hey, Jeff would you hand me the phone...book..." I stall, slowing my speech because I know what's happening. I predicted his next line in my head.

"I've only got the Yellow Pages," he replied.

"Yeah," I said, dazed, reading my words as they were being said, exactly as I had dreamed them earlier. "That'll be fine..."

The cordless phone rings in my hand. [Cue Mitch on the line], I think to myself. I answer the phone, "RadioShack, your answer store. Kyle speaking."

"Hey, Kyle. It's Mitch."

"Yeah. I knew. This has all happened to me before, in my mind when I'm asleep."

He jokes about my life being the Matrix, and I pass the phone to Jeff, replaying this in my head.

I find this really spooky, because while I never wake up from sleep thinking, "God, that was weird, a dream about work," it's always there in the back of my mind, a memory waiting to be unlocked.

* * *

I found the most amazing invention since sliced bread at Shoppers Drug Mart today. Truly a sign that God loves me:

Menthol Kleenex! The stuff is manna to my sinuses!

It's like every time I blow my nose, which happens a lot during colds, I'm inhaling a load of Vicks Vaporub into my nose, clearing the path for all the stuffiness to come out.

I am now a convert to this box of tissue paper! I will be John the Baptist, spreading the word of the Messiah's Kleenex! A zealot, waiting to ambush someone with this, this ambrosia!!

My life has PURPOSE! Buy Menthol Kleenex, or your life will end at my hand! Infidel Puffs! Begone! There's a holy fatwa, an edict from my lips, praising the name of Kimberly-Clark! And all other brands will be destroyed by ME! The cleric of Menthol! The abbot of clear sinuses!

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