"Yes! Your haddicab id dad you are a shiddy drubber!"

So, dere's ad ebbisobe ub Bidder Show wid a skedge where dis bad id playig, whed all ub a suddeb...

Hode od a biddit.

(Blows nose.)

That's better. Thank God for the wonder of Kleenex with Menthol. (More on that later...)

So, there's an episode of Mr. Show with a sketch where this band is playing, when all of a sudden, the band is interrupted by an ex-band member. (The band is an "Up With People" sort, with all these people with disabilities...A drummer with no arms, a guitarist with no arms, a flautist with only a head, and a woman. They reveal themselves to be not handicapped. Well, the girl's still a girl, I guess...)

So this ex-band member with only one arm comes onstage, and tries to turn the audience against the band by proclaiming he was kicked out of the band due to his one arm.

The leader tries to explain that the reason he was kicked out of the band was because he was a bad drummer, not because he was handicapped.

But the ex-drummer can't understand this and tries to re-state his point.

"So, you're saying I was kicked out because I only had one arm?"

"No, I'm saying that you were kicked out because you were a bad drummer."

"So, I was a bad drummer due to my handicap?"

"NO! I mean, yes, you have a handicap, IN ADDITION to being a shitty drummer!"

This goes on for a while, with more and more people trying to help out in the debate, but only getting the wrong point, and making the leader more and more frustrated.

I am reminded of this sketch with what happened at work today:

At about 7 pm, a woman called in, having problems hooking up her VCR to another VCR to record something.

I, being the freakin' cable-attaching genius I am, start to help.

Me: "So, you've got two VCRs, right?"

Her: "Yes."

Me: "Okay. Which one's already plugged into the TV?"

Her: "The first one."

Me: "That will be your RECORDING VCR. And the second one is your PLAYING VCR. Okay?"

Her: "Right."

Me: "Now, what kind of cables do you have?"

Her: "What?"

Me: "The red, yellow and white three pack? Or the screw on kind?"

Her: "The screw-on kind."

Me: "Okay, co-ax, then."

Her: "What?"

Me: "The screw-on cable is co-ax, the three cables are called RCAs."

Her: "Oh."

Me: "Now, VCR A is plugged into the TV, right?"

Her: "Yes."

Me: "And you're able to see a picture on the TV if you put a tape in?"

Her: "Yes."

Me: "Okay. Plug the coax cable into the output of VCR B into the input of VCR A."

Her: "Which one's B?"

Me: "The one that's not plugged into the TV, right?"

Her: "What?"

Me: "The playing VCR is B. The one that's plugged into the TV is A."

Her: "No, it's the other way around."

Me: "What? No you said-"

Her: "You've done this before, right?"

Me: "YES! (deep breath) Yes, I've done this before. I know what I'm doing."

Her: "I don't think we're going about this the right way. Can you make it easier for me?"

Me: "Okay. Two VCRs. Bob and Jim. Is Bob or Jim the one plugged into the VCR?"

She hangs up.

Honestly, I wasn't trying to be sarcastic there. I was being totally sincere.

After work, she calls again. I keep asking her to please take out a piece of paper so she can make the diagram I'm telling her.

She apparently thinks I'm calling her an idiot. But I do best with diagrams.

HER: "The way we did this last time, we had the second VCR record, and the first one play."

ME: "Please, trust me. The first VCR records while the second one plays. Let me put it this way: You're recording Friends from the TV. Now, normally, the cable from the wall plugs into the input of the VCR, and the output goes to the TV."

HER: "We don't have cable. We have an antenna."

ME: "But it's plugging into the VCR, right? Into the output?"

HER: "What?"

ME: "Just unplug the antenna, and put the second VCR cable where you unplugged the antenna."

HER: "We're using the RCA cables."

ME: "Why?"

HER: "Look, I'm sure we had it set up a different way last time."

ME: "Seriously, it wouldn't have worked if you had the first VCR playing and the second recording. It only works one way."

After a half-hour, in which I was trying to close the daily reports, she left me go, problem still unsolved.

If only she had come in so I could have done the damn diagram!

* * *

I worked a twelve hour shift today, apparently so my manager could hang out in the back room, talking on the phone with other managers.

And, I'm sick, so I was blowing my nose every three minutes.

And I missed an essential Kow rehearsal. (Fringe is only five weeks away!)


* * *

So I went to London Drugs in the mall, looking for my Kleenex with Menthol.

They don't carry it. I sense a conspiracy here...

After work, I got on the bus at 10:15 pm to go home (due in part to the stupid call about the VCRs...). At University, the bus was out of service. So I could either wait 15 minutes for another bus, or start walking home, with a stopoff at Shoppers Drug Mart and Safeway for some cold stuff. Sit in the damp with a cold, or walk in the damp with a cold. I walked.

At the Earl's intersection, a car stopped by me and asked how to get to Calgary from where they were.

I told them which way to go, and slapped meself as they drove off, since I should have asked for a ride to the Safeway on the route I told them. Damn.

When I got to the SDM, I went down the Kleenex aisle, and (gasp!) found my freakin' Kleenex with Menthol. I took it to the till, holding it in my arms like it was a baby or a thermonuclear device.

At my turn at the register, I ask the cashier, "Do you know how hard it is to find this stuff?"

She replied, "What?"

"Seriously, you guys are the only ones who carry it."

She looks at the box. "I didn't even know we carried menthol Kleenex."

I deadpan, "Best. Kleenex. Ever."

All of a sudden, she really picks up the pace, rushing me through the till. I must have scared her.

Man, it sure was nice to open the box and inhale the menthol, clearing my sinuses before blowing.

I think I'm going to marry this Kleenex.

OFFICIAL KIMBERLY-CLARK WARNING: Do not marry our Kleenex. Having relations by putting menthol on your privates is really not the way to go. Kimberly-Clark has no liability in the case that someone's stupid enough to try this. Thank you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm not really anon, I just don't feel like signing up for a page right now.

Menthol Kleenex so good! You have made me a believer, man!

- Erie