I am SUCH a coward...

Why does it seem that my primary emotion these days is fear?

For a reason that I know all too much about, fear is the defining characteristic of 2003, or, at least the first half.

I'm currently standing at a crossroads. Either I face my fear and just get on with living (the option that every fiber of my being is screaming for me to choose), or to let this fear numb me, envelop me completely, take over.

Typing this, and by talking with so many of my friends about, you'd think the answer would be obvious. But the fear has almost taken over half my mind, reaching for the other half...

Fuck. I've got a Civil War raging inside me.

The thing is, I wnow that the right answer is, which door I should open, which pill I should take...

And facing my fear, no matter what the result would really help me later on, when I'm sitting at the same fucking crossroads. "Next time," my brain is saying, "it'll be a whole lot easier. You'll have faced it once before and triumphed."

And I know this, with every inch of my consciousness...

So, why is this decision so hard to make???