An Open Letter to West Edmonton Mall Patrons

Um, hi. How the hell did you get in the store? We're closed. We have been since six.

Yes, we're closed. What, you think that the two inches that the door is open means that we're ready and willing to serve you? Having a closed door isn't enough a deterrent for you? Seriously, are all you WEM patrons that fucking stupid where a closed door simply means open it and walk right in to the furrowed glares of employees? No, I could care less. My frown and repeated statement "We're closed!" doesn't faze you? Seriously, are you that retarded? What, the first three times I shouted it don't clue you in?

Why are you approaching the counter? After all that, you're still expecting me to help? It's an hour past when the store closed! Why the hell would I help you? I could care less about your cell phone not working to call overseas. PayGos don't DO that! So it's MY fault you don't understand how a calling card works? Please, I just want to go home. I've been here since 8 am. That's right, the tills are closed. I'm trying to get home. So's my manager. You're leaving? Thank you.

No! We're closed! Don't shove your head in the door, and ask! I told you three times! Yes, we open at ten tomorrow. Yes, those sales will still be on tomorrow. But not tonight. I'm not going to ring anything in for you, and I'm CERTAINLY not going to help you out of the goodness of my heart. Dude, even if you came in earlier, I still wouldn't want to help you. I stopped wanting to help people today before we opened the store. Because I'm still trying to remember my happy Christmas day off yesterday. No, "we're closed" does not mean, "ask me one question." Fuck. Fine. What's your fucking question?

No, you're kidding me. Asking me "How fast do these cars go" is not one question. Why not? Because that stack of cars includes fifteen different models. It's seven o'clock, I'm not going to answer that. Come in when we're actually fucking open. No. We closed an hour ago. Now, just leave, will you?

Fuck! Why the fuck are you in the store? No, the only reason the door was open a foot was because this lamenuts opened the door. I'm not helping him, why the fuck should I help you? We. Are. Closed. No. I will not ring up one item for you. Leave. Tell you what, if you're so stupid to think a closed door is a good invitation, let's shove this computer cart in front of it. Why the hell are you going around my barricade? The fuck? What the fuck are all you shitheads thinking?




Gil Jr. said...

Um, Hello? I saw the blog was open a little, and I was wondering if you were open? I just wanted to ask a little question about the contents of all of your past posts...

Justice~! said...

Wow, talk about a downer series of posts!!!

Where is the FUNNY?? Where is the SEX-AY?!?

Think of your AUDIENCE!!!

I would like to see the funny, *sassy* Kyle Jago we all know and love come back to post on this blog...not bitter, cutting himself with a knife at night Kyle Jago!!!


The Doc said...

This is funny, Justice, if you just picture Jago saying it aloud like a monologue, getting angrier and louder with every paragraph, then actually breaking down and crying at the end, then snapping out of it and saying "Sincerely, Jago" in a normal voice. Which is what I do every time I read it (going on 10 times, now).

Justice~! said...

You're right - you have singlehandedly

Maybe Jago needs to post a "Dr. Teeth's dramatic interpretation" paragraph at the end of each of these?

the Worst Ninja Ever said...

I think Jago needs to post a "If I don't update within a couple of weeks, I will give my friends a jillion dollars."

But I think the Jago will be more amenable to sassy, funny, sex-ay posts after the holidays are over and he can get back to a "normal" mall and shopping schedule again. I remember Christmas retail. It wasn't pretty.

Jeans said...

Yeah, Stan!
I can remember Lewiscraft Christmas retail:

"Oh, I'm so glad you have so many popsicle sticks!"

"Do you have anymore sparkly red green and white Patons Canadiana wool?"

"Where are all of the glass balls? I need more balls!"

Maybe I liked that job because people would say balls all the time and not know what I was thinking.

Justice~! said...

Did the West Edmonton Mall people find out about this post and kill you? Is that why this blog is pretty much dead in the water?


Diego said...

Actually, Justice, Jago now spends his time writing about twin versions of you who are also wrestlers. This is true.

Justice~! said...

I've heard about Jago's supposedly totally heterosexual fascination with myself and my former self as wrestling characters. At least I know Jago is spending his time on a hobby I wholeheartedly approve of!

In the meantime, we should turn this into its own discussion thread like everyone did on the former Jago blog. Maybe I will start writing fan-fic about the twin versions of Jago's blog being wrestlers?

Justice~! said...

I see this blog is now on a quarterly updating cycle!


Anonymous said...


The Doc said...

You know, I've been thinking. We could turn this comments page into Jago's new blog, and we could each take over a subject or topic that he'd normally do. Like Diego could do "Tales from Retail Hell!" or I could do crazy dreams, because I've had a LOT of them lately. And we could pretend that Jago was updating, and the fa├žade could help us heal.

Justice~! said...

I think this is fabulous - it's like when a sitcom character dies but they use it as a way to keep the show going.

Anonymous said...