REALLY needing to update.

Transcript from the Kyle Jago Lecture Series: February 28, 2005

JAGO: Thank you all for coming. I'm please you could all make it here tonight. Shall we start? [ahem]

"Everyone On The Road Is An Idiot, Except for Me.

"Hi. You may not know me. You've probably seen me driving around, especially if you're driving on Calgary Trail or the Whitemud. You might know me as the guy who has the Ford Escort with the pink 'M' on the back.
"No, it's an 'M.'
"No, seriously. It's not a heart.
"Look, why would I have a pink heart on my car? I'm a 28-year-old guy.
"This is beside the point. Look, the point of my speech is to ask how the fuck you all got your licenses.
"Don't act so affronted. Let's face it. 1/3 of the people on the road can't drive properly. And I'm the one driving around while that 1/3 is on the roads of Edmonton.
"First off, if you look to the right hand side of the road, you might see a sign that's white with a big black number on it. It might say 60, it might say 80. This, you fuckwads, is what's referred to as the 'speed limit.'
"Now, the speed limit is there for a purpose. It tells you how fast you should be driving. If I'm going faster than the speed limit, just so I'm not getting hit by a car because of my meandering pace, and a car goes by me at 20 kph faster, there's something wrong.
"Now, if I'm on the Whitemud coming home with Kow from recording, say, and a car happens to be breaking the speed limit AND driving in a lane that hasn't existed for 250 metres to pass me, well that's where accidents happen. And that's where I kill you by thinking evil thoughts.
"So, if I'm actually following the speed limit, the proper thing to do is to stay a car length away from me, and not get so close that I'm blinded by your fucking SUV-level beams. Also, don't buy SUVs. They blind me.
"Summarizing point one, the speed limit is good. Making Jago blind is bad.
"Point two: Parking.
"When it comes to parking in a mall, there's a reason why there's yellow lines painted everywhere. They show you where to park. And if you park BETWEEN the lines, other cars can park in the adjacent designated parking spaces.
"Seriously, I drive a pretty small car. Smallest I've ever driven continuously. If I can't fit into a parking space because it's being halved by a fucker who can't park right, don't be surprised to find a key scratch on your door.
"Also, if you're parked in a handicapped space, you'd better have a disability. Besides your obvious mental one. AND if you're the guy I saw tonight, you'd better not peel out and rev your engine so loud. All you end up doing is make me hate you.
"In summary, I just want to say that everyone who isn't me or my friends (and sometimes, even that's debatable) are driving fuckwads.
"Any questions?
"No, it's not a heart. I told you that already.
"Why was I driving down the wrong side of the street on Argyll where it joins up with 75th Street? THIS QUESTION PERIOD IS CLOSED!"

* * *

Can someone please explain to me how Steve Carrell did not receive a Best Supporting Oscar for his portrayal of Brick Tamland?

Also, I'm glad Jamie Foxx won for Ray. He was amazing in that film.

* * *

So, Kow did record over the weekend. It was fun. We got eight songs in the can, and we were actually pretty pleased with how we sounded.

Barber's dad's the one who was acting as our producer, and we rented him a digital mixing board.

We had fun, and it wasn't at all demoralizing (like our last two sessions). We had one or two moments where we knew we had something special going on. Especially when we laid down Uniform Grey.

Mr. Barber: "Now THAT sounded professional. The most professional you guys have ever sounded."

So, we'll be going back into the church/studio on Sunday. Hopefully, if we did as well as Saturday, we'll have the CD out this spring/summer.

* * *

Still no party for Jago. I think the second weekend in March might just do it, though. BOWLING! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!

Seriously, I want to go bowling.

* * *

So many web cartoonists are getting involved in the 2nd Daily Grind. The first Daily Grind involved some cartoonists from the Failure boards I frequent. Four guys decided to put some money on the line to see who could maintain a five strip a week quota. Ed Brisson lasted just under a year to win the $80 that time.

Now, 32 artists have joined the fray, hoping to take home $640US. With competition like PVP's Scott Kurtz, some of these guys have a lot to gain by sticking with a daily comic.

I'm looking forward to reading a few of these artists' offerings. Some, I could care less about.

* * *

I won't go too indepth into my work frustrations right now. Needless to say, we're still understaffed, so I'm looking at some crazy ass shifts to cover the store being open.

Please, let us find a new employee. Very soon.

* * *

I'll tell you about Astro's concert later on, although it's pretty old news. It involved seeing a friend from high school who I haven't seen in eight years, so that reunion was pretty fun.

* * *

I'm tired, I'm hanging out with my mom and sister tomorrow, and Tiger Woods is calling my name.

I swear I'll post quicker next time.

It's just been one of those weeks...

So, I was in a foul mood this Tuesday during work. It's something that started on Monday, my day off.

Dev and I drove to D!'s to watch some RAW when I noticed that my tire was getting pretty flat. To the point where I had a bumpy ride, and Dev wasn't aware of much different. This is because it was the front left tire on my car that was flat.

I vowed that I'd get it filled on the way back home, since there was an Esso two blocks away.

After RAW, we hit the Esso, only to find that the air pump was out of order.

No matter, I thought. I'll just get it filled before work on Tuesday.

When Tuesday hit, I drove to THREE gas stations before I found a working hose. The 99th St. Esso, no hose on the air pump. I couldn't even get into the Shell on 82nd.

I found myself driving down 99th to about 58th Ave where I got lucky and found a Hughes with a working air pump. And I realized I'd been driving on my rims for about 30 blocks.

The tire was smoking. This was not looking good.

I try filling up the tire, only to find that the air was being left out of the tire by a nickel-sized hole. GAH!

I rush into the gas station and buy one of those aerosol tire fixit dealies. Spent my last $10 on it, so I was now officially broke until payday this Friday (tomorrow).

The hole, of course, was too big to fill using this spraycan. The fluid kept oozing out. I tried masking tape. Nope. Nothing sticks to those tires that the gas station had.

At this point I'm about 10 minutes late for work, stranded about 60 blocks away from work.

I call my boss, and he tells me he'd pick me up. I look across the street and find a Kal-Tire outlet. I tell Chris that I'll call him back from the tire store, after finding out the kind of damage that my tire and wheel took.

I limp the car over the half-block, and bring it in to the Kal-Tire store.

I'm going to need a new tire. Which would cost $120 with installation. I have $8 in the bank.

Forlorn, I ask if I can leave the car there until payday. The mechanic said, "Sure. No problems."

(My brother Braden was talking to me yesterday about this:

B: Usually, you should have the cash before buying something. That's what credit cards are for.
Me: Yes, thank you. Next time I intend to get a flat, I'll make sure I've got cash for it.)

Chris comes to pick me up, and I was in such a low mood, mostly because I thought I'd failed the car by letting it get a hole. I have NO clue where the hole came from, but God, it was big.

That night, I had to take the bus home. You know how much of a ride it is from Mill Woods Town Centre to Old Strathcona at 9:45 pm? I got home at 11. Man, this sucked more than all the days I got home at 10-10:30 during my other stores.

Wednesday, I had the day off, and just sat inside, mourning the loss of my car.

Today I brought my Game Boy on the bus, because with a 45 min to an hour ride, I had time to kill playing Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. I put the game down in October due only to the fact that I couldn't play an entire battle on the ten minute bus ride to Edmonton Centre. But, man, did I get addicted again.

I was a bit late of work today, thanks to not having a proper copy of the ETS guide. My old one no longer works, apparently, since I was about ten minutes late for the bus that would have got me to Mill Woods on time. Stupid September schedule. (Alliteration!)

It was a slow sales day at work, but one of those days where nothing got done because I was dealing with stupid customers over things that wouldn't get me money.

For instance, I left an hour late from work today (so that makes up for me getting in ten minutes late) due to mainly this conversation with a woman over the phone.

Lady: I bought a phone from RadioShack on Sunday.

Me: Right.

Lady: The redial button is slow.

Me: Pardon?

Lady: The redial's slower than my phone from eleven years ago.

Me: Oh.

Lady: When I was in on Sunday, the gentleman I was speaking to didn't really know which cordless phones of yours had the quickest speed dial.

Me: Yeah, that issue never comes up. (In my mind: Because we don't charge up every phone we have just to see how fast the redial button is! I start miming blowing my brains out to Alden.)

Lady: I was given a number to call for your district office on Monday. The woman I was speaking to said she'd get someone to look into that.

Me: Okay.

Lady: It's now Thursday.

Me: Yeah. No one in our stores can really tell you how quick the redial works on some phones. I can call up head office tomorrow and see if the buyers know.

Lady: I certainly hope so. (I start mock strangling myself to Alden.)

I'd like to say the conversation ends there, but she just kept repeating the same things over and over again for another five minutes.

When Chris called to see how the store was, I told him about this.

"Aw, god. Not again. I think we should just return the phone and tell her Best Buy would know which of their phones has the quickest redial."

Another gentleman over the course of the day was looking for DSL filters to go behind the wall mounted phones. Which we don't carry. And he kept on insisting that Telus told him he could find them at our stores.

My reply: "I don't know what to tell you, sir. It happens sometimes that people from other stores assume we have something that we don't carry. I'm sure I've told people they MIGHT be able to find something at another store, even though I have NO clue if they carry them or not. It's just a suggestion."

It happens at LEAST once a week, and I'll yell right here for people to know:

Other stores that recommend us for some things are NOT always right. They AREN'T preaching the Gospel and people DO make mistakes about what RadioShack stocks. If I tell you we don't carry something, you can take the word of someone who's been working for the company for almost five years now over someone who works at Telus or a computer store!!!!

I'd like to say that made me feel better. I'm not sure if it did.

* * *

So my birthday's coming up next week, and I have no clue what to do about it.

Because of short staffing at the store, I've got one day off this week. That day happens to be Wednesday, my birthday.

Now, sure, it sounds cool that I get my birthday off, but if I want to celebrate it with friends, I'm sure that most of them will not be able to hang out on Wednesday night. If I had Friday night off, I'd suggest bowling or a movie with a few dozen of my friends.

Unfortunately, I work until 9:30 that day.

Saturday! Everyone can get together on a Saturday evening, right? Well, yeah, if I want D! and Dev to choose between me and a Chapters friend of theirs.

I sort of share my birthday with Barber (His is the day before mine), but I'm sure that he's got enough studying to do that week.

Figures that my birthday this year happens to fall within Exam Week, and a load of my friends still take classes.

Sigh. Maybe I'll be able to celebrate my birthday the week after or something. Before March, in any case...

* * *

The Arlo Song! Liam Lynch is one cool uncle to make a DVD full of songs for his sister's son. Especially when he does songs like this.

* * *

Reading: McSweeney's Volume One, an anthology of short stories that D! lent me.

Listening to: Kicking myself in the head for forgetting to bring in my new mix for the store. Day after day! It always ends up sitting on my desk! I'll post the track listing sometime (although it IS 160 songs.

Playing: Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. BOOYA! Also, wrapping up Paper Mario.

Odd Transformations 22: Violence in the Back Streets of Edmonton

My friends and I went to a restaurant where we weren't getting served. After a bit of this, Dev gets fed up and storms out. I follow him.

Dev and I get on a bus, because I had parked elsewhere that wasn't home, but at a different place where the group had met prior to going out. I'm not sure if my plan was to get my car, or to pick it up the next day on my way to work. It was only about two blocks away from the apartment I had in my dream.

I get off the bus and start walking towards my place. Across the street are Rob and Reag. I call out to them, and I invite them to my place. Reag and I start walking in the back alleys towards home. Rob said he'd drive there, so they could get home afterwards.

About half a block away from my place in the back alley, Reag and I are walking and talking when she trips over a piece of rope. (At this point, apparently, my brain switches Reag for Canoegirl, I guess.) I look over and there's some drunken derelict in the shadows, holding the peice of rope and had pulled it out at the last minute to trip Canoegirl.

"Sorry about that," says the bum. "I just thought it would be nice to trip a fatty."

"I begs your pardon?" Canoegirl asks. I try to steer her away back to my place, because the last thing I feel like doing is arguing with a drunk bum about calling Canoegirl fat.

At that point, another guy comes out of the shadows, and Canoegirl and I start fighting and arguing with the two rednecks. The fight continues as we go into the back lot behind my place, and into a garden. Just as the two rednecks are about to leave from being beaten, I feel something heavy that connects with the back of my head.

I turn around, and there's a guy in the garden, holding a plank of plywood formerly used to walk through the garden.

"You're not part of my design. Get out of my garden."

Just as I'm weighing my options, to beat on Nighttime Gardener with a plywood plank, or just to get Canoegirl inside my place, I wake up.

Pssst!

Don't tell anybody, but I'm actually posting from my temporary store of Northgate. That's right, I'm managing while the manager's on vacation.

Why the italics? I'm whispering!

Although I shouldn't have to, since it's pretty dead.

I would have posted earlier, since I'm closing all my days on here. It's nice that I get to sleep in, I guess, but it means I'm back to the "getting home at 10 pm" deal. Granted, I should get used to it, because I'm sure I'll be doing a load of them of my new store of Mill Woods next week.

Northgate's full of clueless people who think that a small mall-sized space holds a crapload of inventory, since I've received three calls asking for bulk orders. I don't mind bringing stuff in, but don't assume that I can get 20 packs of USB cables from Ontario in a day.

On my first day here, I learned that I shouldn't park beside the entrance that's closest to the store. Because I can't get out that way. And if I do the deposit on the other side of the mall, I can't get back in and have to walk AROUND Northgate to get to my car.

Also, for a small mall, it's got the stupidest labyrinths to take out garbage and cardboard. You have to walk to the other end of the mall to get to the hallway entrance, which takes you back to this end, although there's no way to get OUT this way, so you end up traversing the mall about four or five times to get things accomplished.

Stupidity.

Don't get me started on the temperature in the store either. It's like when I drive to Northgate, I'm driving past the Tropic of Capricorn. When I hit my store, I'm positive I've hit some Equatorial zone, it's so freakin' hot. And dry. I'm drinking about four litres of water every day I'm here...

The reason I didn't post yesterday was due to me getting a phone call that I slept through. When I woke up at 11:00, I found out that Curtis, one of my co-workers, didn't have keys to open the store.

All I'm saying is thank god I've got a car, if I'm hitting Northgate every day. I'm at half a tank of gas after a week of driving, but I'm sure my new car's one of those that can fill up on $20 worth of gas. As opposed to all my old behemoth cars: the van, the Olds...

In other car-related news, I no longer have a pink heart on the rear window. I now have a pink stylized "M" on my rear window. I'll have to use the scraper I bought to see if I can get it off.

* * *

Canton and I are hosting our Scorpio friend Gina for a few weeks, in her transition period between moving out of Edmonton and actually finishing U of A classes and living in Calgary.

Our kitchen's never been cleaner. (She's cleaning as part of her rent, apparently. It's not a matter of forcing temporary roommates to clean up after us.)

* * *

The new season of Channel 101 has hit the airwaves (well, sorta, since their program lineup changes from month to month due to the voting procedures...).

I'm mentioning this mostly because it's been since October that any new material has hit the site.

Now, we've got a show like this in the #1 shot. And it's amazing, both in concept and execution. My friends and I are quoting from it all the time, now.

Also, the longest running show, The 'Bu, managed to get in again despite actually making an episode. When you see the apology video, though, you kinda know why.

* * *

Otherwise, not too much going on. Had Red's wedding last weekend, and Dev's got a funny story about Llllllloyd's progeny.

I made Kristus bust a gut by faking stage fright on Ed's wedding video. Seriously, it was me glaring into a camera, being stock still for a good two minutes. Once Ed said, "There you have it, Jago's disappointed with the wedding, just like the rest of us," I rushed the camera, yelling my head off. In a church.

Man, I have fun around my friends.