Before I get back into a very-much-more constant habit of updating, I'm going to post first about something that just happened this week.

My cousin took his own life.

Adam and I were pretty close back as kids, since we were the two oldest boys on the Dokken side. Whenever my family would visit Red Deer, or they would come to Moose Jaw for some lake time or Christmas, we'd hang out. Playing Lego, Scotland Yard, Uno. You know, fun times with cousins back when you're a kid.

When we became teenagers, we kind of drifted apart. I was into my own thing: jazz choirs, plays, and the like. He got into music like Pink Floyd (one of the more overrated rock bands, in my opinion) and Skinny Puppy. He started going goth, listening to Nine Inch Nails (which, at the time for me, was a huge dark thing). He went to raves in his twenties.

Once I moved to Edmonton, the opportunity was there for us to hang out, since we now lived a lot closer to each other. For some reason or another, we never did. I'd hear things about him from the cousins I did see or my parents. We'd see each other very infequently, like ships passing in the night, a Christmas dinner every few years.

He got into cooking, which is a pretty big trait for some Dokken family members. He was able to help Aunt Marian and Uncle Cliff prepare some delicious meals.

The last time I heard about Adam was right before this Christmas. He had checked into the Fantasyland Hotel with a duffle bag. And then missed his check-out time. So the housekeeping found him unconscious in his hotel room.

Apparently, he was working as a pharmacy tech, stole a bunch of drugs from his workplace, and checked into his hotel. He overdosed on the drugs, and went into a coma.

This was a pretty big shock to me. While we never talked about his drug use, I suspected it might be the case. Hopefully, this would shock him into finding a way out of his depression, his addictive habits. Hopefully, he would find what he's looking for and power out of this spiral.

This week, at some point, Adam overdosed again. He didn't wake up this time.

The funeral's on Wednesday.

My parents were trying to get a hold of me to tell me this yesterday, but I was at work. After coming come from V for Vendetta last night to celebrate Canton's birthday, I noticed my sister online, so I asked her if she knew why Mom and Dad were trying to contact me.

EJ: Yeah, this isn't something for Messenger. I'll call you.

So she told me the news. I felt kind of hollow, empty, about hearing it. No tears came. After Christmas, this wasn't a big shock to me anymore.

It wasn't until writing this part that the tears started to flow. I can hardly see the keyboard now.

Adam, I'm going to miss you. You had such potential. (Okay, I'm back. Had to step away for a while.) Now there'll never be a chance to reconcile. No more being able to taste what you cooked for the family dinner.

A friend told me that he hopes Adam can find what he's looking for now. Without trying to sound too harsh (since I can't even begin to fathow what would make someone want to take their own life), I don't think that's possible.

The funeral's on Wednesday.

I'll be trying to kick myself into a regular posting schedule afterwards.


Trish said...

I am sorry. Grief sucks. I don't know what else to say, except to tell you that it really does get better with time. I know.


Jago said...

Oh, I know. You're talking to a guy who lost all his grandparents over a five year span.

This will be another death that'll take time to get over is all.

Red-headed Dynamo said...

I'm so sorry Jago.

Take care.

Jeans said...

Oh Jago, I'm sorry for your loss. I will be sending all the good vibes your way.

Jago said...

Thanks to everyone wishing me well. There was a good ceremony to send him off, and a good day of being with relatives.